Monday, August 15, 2016

Written to my mom September 15 2009 - 5 months after losing EVERYTHING, hitting my knees, then finding a small piece of what I now call God through a book on the law of attraction.....

Written to my mom September 15 2009 - 5 months after losing EVERYTHING, hitting my knees, then finding a small piece of what I now call God through a book on the law of attraction.....  I get little glimpses of this Marisa every now and then, the insecure and so needing to please and make her family happy all the mean while OVER promising and GROSSLY under delivering.....  I feel sad reading this because although I was in the midst of a HUGE spiritual awakening, I was so sad and although I was saying that I didn't care what others thought.... all I wanted was for SOMEONE to be proud of me.  I can honestly say that I have not had that fear of my family not being proud of me lately but was surprised by highly triggered I am with being called a disappointment.  One of my friends found that out lately when she casually said she was dissapointed because I couldn't meet for lunch and got reacted upon!  I remember thinking... "Geeze Marisa your acting like a psycho" but seeing this email I now see and remember how sad I always was and understand my reaction..
I am in the process of writing my first book alone, with no co-author, it's called I am Marisa.  I am telling my story and in the process teaching the reader all of the ways that the guides have taught me to discover WHO I we really are as humans and how to forgive ourselves for the past and move forward with the future we truly want connected to our higher spirit, guides, and angels!

This quote at the bottom of the page helps me to see that nothing that has happened to me, is because of what anyone else other than "me" brought into my existence.  I am what I make myself and in this quote it even says "We are also what we chronically think about whether it be good, bad, wanted, or unwanted."  It think that it makes SO much sense!  
I have the desire now to gain control over my thoughts and ask that God (Source) helps me to live by my spirit and not by my flesh (ego).  Now that I know what true happiness is and what it feels like, I can duplicate it and bring more into my existence!  That is one of the primary reasons that I feel that I have the chance to start over right now!  The last 12 years was full of lesson after lesson after lesson... In fact, where I am now is because of what happened then.  There is no where I would rather be now than where I am now.... so I am content with what it took to get here.  An example of this is that if things would have not happened exactly the way that they did, I would not have met Jeff and at the Gym that day in February 2006.  I have good thoughts like that and I have all the great memories with you guys and dode, but other than those thoughts, I finally realized that I don't have to think about any of the past anymore.  There is NO reason to, absolutely no reason at all.
Gary says that life cycles every 12 years.  Fall Semester of 1997 is when my life fell apart, I had the chance to start fresh and act responsibly by going off to college.  Tyke had cheated on and left me.  I instead chose to stay in town and hang out with people like Jason.  I assumed that by hurting myself, I would then in turn hurt Tyke.  I was heartbroken, I was lost, I chose to move out and live 4 doors down to avoid the feeling of disappointment that over took me anytime I was around the people I loved.  This was all unconscious at the time, I can see it now looking back.  What Tyke did to me is still the worst feeling I have ever had in my life.  I obviously do not have feelings for him anymore, but that horrible feeling I had one day after school when I found out what he did literally "killed" me inside.  I let that feeling take over and I LET that feeling run my life and I allowed the way I felt to destroy me in every way possible.  I had lost the ability to trust.  Of course, he didn't care, so in my 18 year old mind the only way to hurt him was to hurt myself so that he would feel guilty for what he did to me.  I was stupid, young, and confused.  I hurt myself and the only loved ones that I had.... my family!  I have forgiven myself for this now, I have even forgiven him.... But regardless, that is over and done, THANK YOU GOD!  
I am taking this chance that I have now, 12 years later, to start fresh spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically..... I had never let the past go, EVER.  I have now done that.... The feeling is awesome to be able to look at the past almost as a third party on the outside looking in.  The past is just that, the PAST.  It's gone. It ALWAYS has been.  I can just Finally see that now! 
The last thing I will write in this email is that I am SO excited to know that I am only a few credits shy of being a 2ndsemester sophomore in college!  This supposed unattainable goal that I have always had, has just now become a reality in my mind and in my being.  Because I can see and understand now that my goal is just a heartbeat away, I WILL be the College Graduate that I chose not to be 8 years ago.  I can genuinely say right now that I am already proud of myself for taking this step and I am already proud of myself for getting my degree and it has not even happened yet. (my book says if you can feel it, imagine it, see it... then it will happen)

I love both of you.... Thank you for loving me. 
I will not take this time to make promises to you about who I will be, what I will accomplish, who I will become and I especially will not promise you that I will make you proud and I will make you happy.  I have no control over those things, only you do.  My promises have only brought disappointment.  Regardless of how hard I try and how much of myself I put into fulfilling promises made, it always ends in disappointment in myself.  The most important thing that I guess I am trying to tell you is that I have identified one of the many feelings that I need to remove from my existence from here on out.  This feeling that I speak of is, the feeling of disappointment that I have in myself for letting you guys down.  Looking at this from the outside, “as a 3rd party”, I can see that you may not even have been let down.  You were proud but I did know how to open my eyes and see that. I convinced myself that you were never proud of anything I did due to some imperfection that only I could see and by doing that, I brought on those feelings of self hate that I had grown so accustomed to.  I don't have those feelings anymore. No more self imposed, "self hate" that is based on the feelings that I assume you are feeling.  I know our family has NEVER been able to express feelings, we have always had to guess at how the other was feeling, but, and I can only speak for myself.... that way of thinking is over because I know you guys love me no matter what and that is the only feeling you have now that counts.  
I know your love is unconditional love and I know that you will always feel this way.  Thank you for loving me... thank you for hanging in there.... Thank You! 
I feel refreshed, I am renewed and for the first time ever, I am confident in myself!  My desire and this yearning that I have finally identified within my soul/mind has been there my entire life.  I have only now realized what it is.  It is the feeling of wanting and needing to become one with my source (or God).  Knowing that I can only do positive when my spirit is in charge has freed me.  I am pretty sure that I have found my Spirit and now I need to get to know it!  I can't wait! Smile emoticon

Good Night 
I love you Mama and Papa, 
Your Daughter, 

By Default, I Could Have Attracted Unwanted Relationships...
Many of the relationships or experiences you have attracted you would not have deliberately attracted if you had been doing it on purpose, 
but much of your attraction is not done by deliberate intent, but rather by default. . . . 
It is important to understand that you get what you think about, whether you want it or not. 
Chronic thoughts about unwanted things invite, or ask for, matching experiences. 
The Law of Attraction makes it so.
--- Abraham